It’s a harrowing time for Hollywood Democrats. As we speak, Academy voters are logging in and submitting their votes for the Academy Awards. At the same time, voters everywhere are preparing for their state’s primaries to select a candidate in the Democratic primary (The Republicans already have their candidate, so Jon Voight can rest easy). While on the surface, these seem like very disparate events (with only one having some actual stakes behind them), this year’s contests seem very similar. Both the Best Picture race and the Democratic Primary feature nominees that vary wildly in style, presentation and ideals. Both involve complicated processes of determining winners: the Academy with its ranked ballot system, the Democratic Primary that starts with a caucus and ends with delegate counts, both of which could eschew actual vote totals. And in both cases, the longer the race has gone on, the whiter the field has gotten. So if you’re struggling to make a choice in either race, may I present to you the Best Picture Nominees as candidates in the Democratic Primary.
(Author’s Note: All observations are meant to be taken with the humor with which they were intended and should not be viewed as an endorsement or opposition of any candidate. Seriously, Bernie Bros, be cool.)
The Irishman & Once Upon a Time in Hollywood – Joe Biden
In love with the past, but REALLY wishes they could change a few things. On paper, they should be the front-runners, but may be too obvious for anyone to actually get behind. Everyone likes them but are kinda over them at the same time. They also go on way longer than they probably should.
Parasite – Elizabeth Warren
Lots of ideas, but its core is all about systematic change of the class system. Everyone agrees it’s great, but no one’s sure if it can win. Also big on making people read a lot.
1917 – Pete Buttigieg
Brings a modern flair to a mainstream sentiment. Loves the troops. Constantly moving, mostly so people don’t stop and think about its substance too much.
Little Women – Amy Klobuchar
Has the mom demographic on lock. Pretty classic narrative, but with a feminist bent. Too traditional for some, not traditional enough for others and having a hard time getting men to pay attention.
Marriage Story – Andrew Yang
Loved by hipsters. Very popular on Twitter. Seems earnest and has some interesting ideas, but also no chance of winning.
Ford v. Ferrari – Michael Bloomberg
Easily the biggest long shot of the field, it came out of nowhere to be part of an already crowded pack. The rich, old, white dude movie for the rich, old white dude candidate. The choice of mid-life crisis dads everywhere.
Jojo Rabbit – Tom Steyer
No one knows where it came from, but it thinks Nazis are bad, so at least its heart’s in the right place. Too quirky to be accessible for most people.
Joker – Bernie Sanders
Enjoys a fanbase that is passionate to a fault. College dudes will not shut up about it. Loves a good social upheaval. Viewed as a rallying cry by some and dangerous by others. No one can talk about it without arguing.