Mothers and Fathers have special days in May and June, but not many people know that the Sunday after Labor Day is dedicated to honoring grandparents. In 1978, President Jimmy Carter signed a proclamation to recognize the first National Grandparents Day.
This year, NPR wanted to recognize the wisdom, perspective and fundamental civic values that grandparents provide by going to the source. The Up First newsletter team asked grandparents what it was like to enter this new phase in their lives, and to share some pointers to new or expecting grandparents. We received over 100 responses. Here's some of their best advice.
Responses have been edited for length and clarity.
Don't interfere
Pam Parris of Orlando, Fla., says becoming a grandma turned her world "upside down" in the "most positive way [she] could ever imagine." When her first grandchild was born, she was 39, and she was experiencing an "unexpected, devastating divorce."
"She gave me purpose and the desire to start a whole new life," Parris said.
Now 69 years old, Parris reminds new grandparents that their children will have "certain ways of doing things … that might not be the way you would do them." She adds that it's best "not to interfere and constantly make recommendations."
All of your worries will go away
Khrystal Dorton's grandkids were born in November 2023 and January this year. "These babies have found a piece of my heart that was hurting and healed it," she said.
Dorton, who is from Concord, N.C., says she was "young and inexperienced" when she first became a parent. "I did my absolute best, but I know how I could have done better." Postpartum depression made the first months of her daughter's birth "hard and scary," said Dorton. "It was tough to be the mom I really wanted to be."
As a grandparent, the 45-year-old Dorton says she's been able to be there for her daughter and husband "every minute." She was present for the births and helped her daughter through her postpartum depression. "I have been the mom I should have been," she said. "I only wish I were as good when the girls were young."
Last year, a friend expecting her first grandchild asked Dorton for advice. The friend wasn't sure she would be able to handle being a grandmother. Dorton told her, "All of that will go away the moment you hold the baby."
"It's a different kind of love, but not more than the love of your child," Dorton said. "It's like getting another chance to hold your own newborn again. It brings all those feelings back. You fall in love all over again."
Be present through the pregnancy
Frank Dailey of Navarre, Fla., describes himself as a "grandparent by proxy." After his close friend Kenny Nessel died in 2015, Dailey dedicated himself to filling the void Nessel left behind and taking care of Nessel's son, Gage, whom he considers a nephew. Gage and his wife, Sarah, are expecting their first child sometime between Christmas and New Year's. They recently took Dailey to the spot where Nessel died and asked him to be the child's grandfather. "Gage looked at me and said I wanted my dad to be here with us when we asked you."
"I was not there for [Gage's] first steps, but I caught him when he couldn't walk another step in grief," Dailey said. "When he faced an incredible challenge, I was there to let him know it was going to be ok. When others judged him harshly, I was one of the many who stood by his side. Now, being in this position, I will be there with him and Sarah in this incredible celebration of life! It gives me goosebumps."
At 60, Dailey advises other expectant grandparents to be present through the pregnancy. "Send notes. Write notes to the baby as you contemplate the meaning of being a grandparent. Save them and put them in a box at the right moment. Be ready to pass them to your grown grandchildren so you will leave a lasting record of their lives through your eyes."
Just love them!
Patricia Reigle of Prairie Village, Kan., has three grandchildren, born in 2021, 2022 and 2023. The 69-year-old says taking care of them has filled a part of her heart with their tender love and laughter. "For me, it is keeping me grounded and healthier," she said.
Reigle says the pain, responsibilities and stress of becoming a parent are "on a much lower level" when you are a grandparent. "As a grandmother, I get to just love and protect my grandchildren. I feel like I'm not only giving the grandchildren a different love, but I'm helping lessen the load on the parents."
Her advice: "Just love them! You don't have to spoil them for them to love you. Just be there, look them in the eyes." She also urges grandparents not to judge their children. "Help when you can. Don't be a burden. Show your grandchildren pictures of their moms and dad when they were little, talk about their lives growing up. It's not about you as a grandmother. It's about the grandchildren and helping where you can."
Have backup supplies ready
Estee Jaacovi of Allen, Texas, says that becoming a grandparent changed her perspective on life. Without the daily stress that comes with parenthood, the 43-year-old says she's able to be more in the moment when she spends time with her grandchild. "I don't have to think about her sleep schedule, what she's wearing or all the minutia of daily life," she said.
Jaacovi says that, for her, the difference between parenting and grandparenting is like night and day. "The love I feel for my children is the ultimate love. I created them. They are mine. I adore them," she said. "With the grandbaby, it's a love like no other. It's a love that's more free and less structured."
Her advice: Keep up backup supplies handy. "Have extra diapers, bottles, snacks and clothes at your house," she said. "It makes it so much easier for your kids to bring their kiddos over without 10 bags and a million accessories." Jaacovi recommends shopping at thrift stores and says these items don't need to be in pristine condition, since they won't be used as often.
Embrace your role as a supporting player
Erin Devine of Arlington, Va., welcomed her granddaughter to the world in August. "It has added joy and a profound sense of contentment and satisfaction with life," said the 65-year-old. "Knowing I did my job well, raising three independent, successful young adults, and then adding the first member of the next generation makes me so happy. To watch my daughter and her husband be such wonderful parents — and my other daughter and son and their partners being caring aunts and uncles — brings me so much joy."
Her advice: Embrace your role as a supporting player.
"Do and say everything with an eye toward helping the new parents," she said. "Bite your tongue and let them figure everything out. You will be amazed at how quickly they become expert parents!"
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