Jane’s shower seemed to be taking an awfully long time. “You ok in there?” Mom asked with waning patience. “”Yep!” replied Jane joyfully. “Did you put conditioner on your hair?” Mom followed up. With that, Jane leaned out of the shower curtain, beaming. “Yes!” she exclaimed. “Twelve times!”
With that, Mom made a mental note to add conditioner to the grocery list and helped a sweet smelling Jane exit the shower, with a tip of the hat to the vast divide that separates a child’s agenda from her parent’s.
Parents’ agenda is clear: Complete the task and move on. Make the bed. Wash and condition your hair. (Once.) Parents have too much to do, always aware of the ticking of the clock.
Children, on the other hand, see every task as a chance to practice skills they long to master. Finally old enough to take charge of shampooing, Jane approached it without caution, determined to enjoy it to the max. Using the conditioner—measuring it into her hand, rubbing it through her hair, rinsing it out—allowed her to enjoy her own developmental agenda of establishing independence and capable autonomy.
It was so pleasurable, in fact, that she repeated it a few extra times, but who’s counting? Twelve times gave her more practice. Jane has now earned her black belt in hair conditioning.
I recall kneeling on a classroom rug with Jared, a happy four-year-old boy. When it was time to put away the blocks, we made a game of it while singing “Old MacDonald Had a Farm.” On each downbeat, we placed a block heavily on the shelf, creating our own percussion accompaniment to the tune.
When we put the final block on the shelf with a victorious “E-I-E-I-O,” I thought we were finished. But with one swoop of his arms, Jared pushed the blocks back onto the floor as he yelled, “Let’s do that again!”
Silly me. I thought we were cleaning up from block play, but Jared was enjoying our percussion experiment, and wasn’t ready to see it end.
Maybe understanding kids’ goals will help adults find patience when children deviate from the plan in pursuit of their own joy. After all, Jared and I had a great time singing to the blocks once more. And Jane’s mom just found a giant-sized bottle of conditioner on sale.
