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Raising children? Have to deal with someone else's? Considering a family?Let's talk kids!Claudia Quigg hosts this weekly reflection on best practices, experiences, and research related to child rearing and parenting. Thursdays at 12:50 PM and 7:50 PM

Let's Talk Kids - "Love Isn't Fair"

Claudia Quigg headshot
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NPR Illinois | 91.9 UIS

We parents love our children with equal commitment, but it may not look the same.

Every parent of siblings has been assailed by the “It’s not fair!” claim at least once. This complaint from an angry child may follow watching a sibling get more attention, more freedom, less punishment, or a pony.  This accusation represents an attempt to cause parents guilt based on the pretext that life should be fair and each child should receive exactly the same responses from parents.

Maybe in a parallel universe, but not in this world.

The work of parenting is to respond in love to our children uniquely in the way they need to be loved in the moment.  And that love can be expressed in very different ways.

The differences in parenting our children may show up in how we teach them discipline.  One child may be active and intense, requiring a stronger response to help her learn to manage herself.  Another child may be quiet and sensitive, much easier to discipline with a whisper rather than demanding that we bring out the heavy artillery.

Some children struggle when they don’t get enough sleep, and their parents know to send them off to bed early if they want to avoid a stressful morning.  Other children require less sleep and parents have learned these kids can go to bed a bit later and still awaken happily in time for school.

Most kids struggle a bit with one or two subjects in school and have to work harder for success.  A few lucky youngsters sail through school with hardly the need to crack a book, and still manage to make honor roll.  Parents’ response to report cards may be tempered by the effort required for those grades, rather than honoring all grades the same.

Parents continually walk the tight rope of supporting their children’s hopes and dreams without seeming to favor one over the other. Our job is to support each one as we’re able, walking away from guilt associated with trying to keep everything “the same.”

Even as young adults, my kids provide me opportunities to support them in varied ways.  They must have finally accepted this dynamic.  It’s been a long time since anybody told me, “It’s not fair!”

Claudia Quigg is the Executive Director of Baby TALK and writes the Let's Talk Kids parenting segment and column that honor the expertise parents have about their own children and explores issues that are universal for families. From toilet training and sibling rivalry to establishing family values, Claudia Quigg provides thoughtful and accessible insights that are meaningful to families' needs.
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