The mother gazed lovingly at her 17-year old son, lamenting that he would be leaving for college in a year. Fast forward 12 months and she could hardly wait to see him gone. It seems her son’s done a good job of getting his mom ready for him to leave home.
The separation of young adults and their parents is a major shift in the life of a family. Kids and parents share their home and daily lives for nearly a score of years, and then suddenly, children uproot themselves to head out to new places for college or career.
The struggle that invariably precedes and accompanies this separation is not a tidy one. After investing their blood, sweat and tears into this offspring, parents must smile and be just fine with the notion of letting go.
Too bad parents don’t come equipped with a switch they can turn from “control” to “no control” painlessly. Instead, they work hard to retrain their responses, finding themselves a bit off balance as they consider this changed relationship.
But parents aren’t the only ones struggling. Young adults may act as if they can’t wait to be gone, but in truth they’re scared, stepping out of their secure place with little assurance of how things will go for them.
Ironically, this fear makes them resent the very parents who have anchored them through every storm. They want to be fearless and independent, and their parents remind them of their dependence and vulnerability.
So instead of shared sentimental reminiscing, parents may find themselves facing icy stares and slammed doors. During this most tender time, parents and children often find themselves unable to stand the sight of each other.
The upside to this hostility is that the separation becomes a little less painful. Young adults’ surly attitude often prepares parents for them to leave home.
But a better chapter lies ahead. Once the separation occurs, most kids miss their parents with a vengeance. By Thanksgiving, they’ll beat it home for turkey. The relationships will shift again, as parents and their big kids learn how to still be family for each other in this new season.
