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Raising children? Have to deal with someone else's? Considering a family?Let's talk kids!Claudia Quigg hosts this weekly reflection on best practices, experiences, and research related to child rearing and parenting. Thursdays at 12:50 PM and 7:50 PM

Let's Talk Kids: "The Grandparent Dilemma"

Claudia Quigg headshot
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NPR Illinois | 91.9 UIS

I’ve been noticing an increase in grandparents’ queries.  Much of the time, these loving grandparents express a concern about a choice the child’s parents are making, hoping I will weigh in on their “side” of the difference of opinions.

Grandparents are concerned about where their grandchildren sleep.  They agonize about two-year-olds still using a bottle or pacifier.  They worry about parents’ decisions to return to work following birth.

I recently heard from a conscientious grandmother whose grandson was slated to start kindergarten. He’s academically ready but she worries he’s not socially ready. I could imagine the struggle this invested grandmother was having, balancing her wisdom with her desire to respect her adult children’s decision.  We grandparents have learned a great deal through our years of experience, and our love for our families makes us eager to share with them what we know.

But what’s at stake here is something larger than the correct decision about any single childrearing issue.  Instead, the critical question is this:  How can grandparents contribute to the secure system of support that will ultimately result in children growing up to be healthy, happy adults?

My only advice to her was this:  “I believe the very next thing to do is to jump in and enthusiastically support his starting school.  Why? Because this is the sort of situation that can erode grandparent-parent relationships if parents sense you’re questioning their judgment.”

Her grandson will benefit enormously over the long haul if he has a united, well-functioning support system of parents and grandparents working together on his behalf.

I sometimes have a different opinion about decisions my kids make about my grandkids. Sometimes they make mistakes, but I did, too (and still do!), and mistakes helped me learn how to do better.  Often their differing ideas turn out beautifully, reminding me they know things about their kids that I don't.

This dear grandmother cares about her little guy, and her love for him is one of the treasures he will carry throughout his life.  Grandparents’ role may not be to make decisions about how kids grow up, but they have an enormous opportunity to scaffold a family’s emotional wealth.

Claudia Quigg is the Executive Director of Baby TALK and writes the Let's Talk Kids parenting segment and column that honor the expertise parents have about their own children and explores issues that are universal for families. From toilet training and sibling rivalry to establishing family values, Claudia Quigg provides thoughtful and accessible insights that are meaningful to families' needs.
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