Her voice trembled as she greeted me on the phone. “Gam?” she began. “I really messed up.” My beloved oldest grandchild Bella poured out her tale of woe, involving a careless remark that hurt her closest friend.
Fast forward three weeks when an exuberant Bella FaceTimed me to show off her mouthful of shiny, braces-free teeth on the way home from the orthodontist.
I’m grateful to be connected to this thirteen-year old in both her pain and her joy. I loved being privy to these discussions about atonement and celebration, and recognized my small role in her adolescent development.
A recent article in Wall Street Journal affirmed my sense that this relationship is as good for Bella as it is for me. In her piece “Bonds with Seniors can Help Stabilize Teens,” writer Ann Lukits reports research which found that teens closely bonded to grandparents have fewer behavioral and emotional problems than teens who lack these relationships. The benefit was even more significant when kids were also close to the parent who is the offspring of the grandparent.
The study identified grandparents often play an advocacy role for both sides when parents and teens conflict. Grandparents seem to complement good relationships between their children and grandchildren.
This set of findings comes as no surprise to those who study healthy extended families. Grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, and friends who stand in for families—all these folks can play a critical role in safely ushering kids through the rough waters of adolescence.
As teens ask important questions about who they are in this period of self-discovery, extended family members provide a rich backdrop for kids to understand where they come from so they can decide where they want to go.
Even when they tease us about wearing bellbottoms in the 70s and big hair in the 80s, our grandkids love feeling part of a life that came before them. It gives them reason to hope about their own lives stretching out into the future.
Many friends who are grandparents describe their bliss in these relationships with youngsters they adore. I’m glad to read the science that confirms what I’ve suspected all along: It’s a joyful reciprocity that seems to benefit kids every bit as much.
